Spectacular Firework Labels

Entering week-four of my nomadic summer wanderings, I have arrived in Zion, also known as Utah. This year, like every other year possible, I celebrated the 24th of July, a Utah State holiday also known as Pioneer Day or the Days of ’47. This holiday commemorates the arrival of the Mormon pioneers, led by their prophet Brigham Young, to the Salt Lake Valley in 1847. How is this holiday celebrated? In a nutshell, it is a second Fourth of July and is a reason for parades, historic reenactments, cook-outs with plenty of beer (for non-Mormon “Gentiles” like myself) and fireworks.

Duty-bound, we spent the evening at my dad’s place lighting a huge assortments of fireworks. All of the fireworks were made in China and featured vaguely patriotic branding which included a map of the USA overlaid with an American flag design.

To my delight, someone, somewhere in the firework supply chain has been tasked with naming and designing individual packaging for each firework. Hats off to the bright-spark who designed these labels for brightening my nomadic summer:

"Jamaican Me Crazy"

“Jamaican Me Crazy”

"Evil Chicken"

“Evil Chicken”

"Benz"

Keep it classy with “Benz”

"Pip-Squeak"

“Pip-Squeak” (Commentary on slothful Americans?)

"Exterminator"

“Exterminator”

"Computer Land"

“Computer Land”

"Frisky Starburst"

“Frisky Starburst” (“Frisky Business” would have been the better pun)

"Pyro-Fan" and "Golden Shower"

“Golden Shower” (Of course they know what that means, right?)

Inspired, I have developed the following thrilling expat-centric fireworks:

  • “Pirate Boarding” Features whistling noise that mimics the sound of Somalian pirates firing hand-held grenade launchers at the cargo ship transporting all of your household goods around the Horn of Africa.
  • “Mystery Posting” Extra-long fuse allows you to over-think what is going to happen next and wonder if maybe nothing is going to happen at all. Then, when the firework eventually begins to emit a shower of red, white and blue sparks, does that mean that you are relocating to the Netherlands, Liberia, the USA, the Dominican Republic, Norway, Nepal or France? Keep guessing!

More suggestions?

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10 responses to “Spectacular Firework Labels

  1. Mystery Posting sounds like a super fun firework to let off.

    I’m trying to add to the list, but I’m not sure I’ve completely decoded the naming system yet. It’s still a joke if you come out with it hours, perhaps even years after the original set up line, right?

    (Let me wait til Æ gets back.)

  2. OMG spectacular! If you need a chant for calming purposes (next post), there’s inspiration here: Light fuse and get away. Light fuse and get away.

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